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Calls Me Home

I'm not liked cause...I stand on my morals like a guard at Buckingham Palace. The strongest soldiers dislike me cause with two simple words I can cut to their core, dismantle their  ammunition and leave them defenseless. I'm not liked cause I won't support the lies being fed via social encounters. Where those who have done the most hate filled acts are now being placed on pedestals. Never having to account for those moments that left life long scares to individuals who where undeserving. I'm hated cause The truth I hold in people's character can demolish the fake face they have adopted and place front and center. When some glorify friends family and themselves based on never expressing the truth of the matter. I get hated on cause I don't willfully act as if I agree wholeheartedly. I don't place myself in a category of perfection. I don't come close to thinking I'm better than most. I have been displaced from birth, abused through adolescence, verbally castrated while never being the initiator. Mentally Physically and Sexually abused by Satins dirty deeder. Then passed around from home to home like a poker chip at a roulette table. All the while being told I would never amount to anything cause I didn't apply myself in a positive manner. All before turning 18. By 21 though I realized, I owned my life. I could wright my narrative w/o a degree or anyone's acceptance. No one stood in my shoes. No one could rescue me, carry me or truly accept me w/o judgement. All the while I loved unconditionally, accepted hate and still rowse above it's reign to stay dry and sun driven. Anyone thinking they are stronger than me need think again. I have owned mistakes and grown. Endured blame and held my own, even when lied on. I can and will be your biggest thorn...why? Cause I won't go away till GOD calls me home. 

Calls Me Home

I'm not liked cause...I stand on my morals like a guard at Buckingham Palace. The strongest soldiers dislike me cause with two simple words I can cut to their core, dismantle their  ammunition and leave them defenseless. I'm not liked cause I won't support the lies being fed via social encounters. Where those who have done the most hate filled acts are now being placed on pedestals. Never having to account for those moments that left life long scares to individuals who where undeserving. I'm hated cause The truth I hold in people's character can demolish the fake face they have adopted and place front and center. When some glorify friends family and themselves based on never expressing the truth of the matter. I get hated on cause I don't willfully act as if I agree wholeheartedly. I don't place myself in a category of perfection. I don't come close to thinking I'm better than most. I have been displaced from birth, abused through adolescence, verbally castrated while never being the initiator. Mentally Physically and Sexually abused by Satins dirty deeder. Then passed around from home to home like a poker chip at a roulette table. All the while being told I would never amount to anything cause I didn't apply myself in a positive manner. All before turning 18. By 21 though I realized, I owned my life. I could wright my narrative w/o a degree or anyone's acceptance. No one stood in my shoes. No one could rescue me, carry me or truly accept me w/o judgement. All the while I loved unconditionally, accepted hate and still rowse above it's reign to stay dry and sun driven. Anyone thinking they are stronger than me need think again. I have owned mistakes and grown. Endured blame and held my own, even when lied on. I can and will be your biggest thorn...why? Cause I won't go away till GOD calls me home. 

FORMS

The people around you are formed and are forming you without your consent. They have no idea that they're just carbon copies of those before them. Sometimes we have the strength to break these forms that bind us. Sometimes we see with our third eye and the enemy that confronts us that is growing inside. Other times we're blinded, seeing through Rose colored lenses. As with all lenses eventually one shall crack. Do people actually acknowledge the things that they do. Do they recognize the repetitive ignorance that they pass along through generations.

 

I don't believe that patting oneself on the back is a positive action. Or patting the one who has repeated the ignorance should be rewarded.  You see no one and I do mean no one is beyond making mistakes. The mistakes you make though can be generational. Do you even recognize your actions and how they are passed along through ignorance. When ones elder finds it easy to deny a child at birth. Tossing one of a blood line aside as if they didn't exist. Those same seeds of such a being may find it easy to repeat this action. Seeing it easy to never acknowledge the pain it has bestowed upon the individual. All a while uplifting she who has broken the bloodline of the first grandsons given right to it's family. The same family who acts as if it has every right to ignore the existence of that child. Isn't this the same endorsement Nubian beings have encountered through slavery. Being bought and sold, passed along, traded as if no harm is done. What then happens to the child? Do they go on to live the dream of a white picket fence household. We're an abundance of Love is given daily and no harm has ever come to the individual.

 

One would hope this to be. In my case it's only half of a story. Instead of a white picket fence it was hedges surrounding the perimeter untile replaced with a gray metal fence. The abundance of Love was givin by one while a demon delivered the exact opposite. You see, it only takes one action in a steady standing water to cause a rippled effect. Sometimes that one action can change another person's whole way of being. I can not praise those who started my journey. For the forms that where signed to release me to the powers of neglect, hate, trauma and abuse that haunt me till this day don't deserve praise. So it's no surprise that the child of she who filled the forms, has taken on a roll to repeat the same pattern. All a while never fully understanding that actions have consequences.

 

It only took one person's action to replace a bloodline with another, to destroy ones emotional state of being. Cause of the forms placed against me. I went from being the most open hearted, giving, loving, and understanding child. To a cold, distant, angry, bitter and hateful being. Or so I thought. That couldn't be further from the truth though. You see over time I carried all those negatives day in and day out. From sunrise to sunset. Being buried under the evil that was among me. Over shadowing the love like a palm tree lends a shady area.  Always scared of what was to come. Constantly in fear of, not seeing another sunrise. Shall I to perish as my sister one day. Closing my eyes never too awaken. How does one feel this way at only 8 years of age. Why am I experiencing this. Do I even want to see another day. These are all different forms in which I have lived. I have though...lived that is. I lived long enough to find what was once lost. Through all the hurt, pain and negatives. I lived to find that little being who got lost. The one filled with loads and loads of heart. The one who loves to bring smiles to many faces. The one who dances to his own tune. Who's heart hasn't fallen to the depths but has risen once again. One action can form a negative for thousands of moons. One action can also strip you of every brick weighing you down. One may never speak to you again, for you are ready to open your wings and fly from the ignorance. That's ok, your truth isn't there's. Just as the forms where signed that set your story in motion. The forms can be signed to re wright how you move forward. I choose to see the happiness, the warmth, the love, the care and not be guided by the way others see my past. As no one has walked in these footprints. They are souly  mine own. I have every right to smile and bring joy to my life and light to my character. I have hurt some with one word I have said in the past. I have said sentences that formed tears.  For that I have to recognize, I am not without my own fault. Not without my own ignorance as well. I can only acknowledge and pass forward my apology. I can only wish they too can fly. I don't have to carry the sins of mine and others that changed me though. I don't have to stop my growth. I don't have to drown in what was. I form a brighter better me to live united in love, no matter how ones action, on one form could have done wrong. Instead of lashing out through my pain, this is what I form. I form my thoughts, feelings and emotions into words. Words some don't want to see. Words many never hear. That's fine too. I have every right to wright the form in my narrative. I live in My Form.

THE MAIN MAC

The people around you are formed before you. They are also forming you without you 

IN THE VISION

The sun rises then sets. Memes to forget. Time passed All in a set. In the vision, you see. A win, a dream a beachfront sunset. A storm, a encore  of being in regrets. Hunger, greed, salvation, pain and love. Woven to intertwine. Belief that again the sun shall arise. 

STEPS

    I am three years of age. What looks to be the tallest mountain top in the world is in eye view. Its actually a five foot chest to a  queen size bedroom set. As I venture to the top. The thought of flying fills my mind. I take the leap of faith into the clouds. As I pass around the room with a smile of accomplishment. Joy is filling my heart. Me as a three year old realizes...I get free of the Dark Shadow that follows me often.

        Then it happens. The free fall begins. I descend what seems to be hundreds of feet fast. Screaming frantically my eyes fill with gallon size tears knowing I don't want to die.  Im about to hit the ground. I can see it coming in...three... two....one...Blaring radio alarm goes of and I awake with eyes full of tears a thirty five year man. That dream once again. I have had it over and over for my whole life. Wondering why? What is it that makes it so real and why have I had it since I can remember.  Along with so many questions that rattle inside my brain. 

        I'm Ok though. Ready to awake and face another day with a smile. You see...when I reflect on my path. I dont regret many things to be honest. Chuckles to self...humph...On this very day at least. Will I still feel the same tomorrow if I awake the another tear filled dream. You see...there are two that chase me & haunt me...as if I'm the final piece too its puzzle.....
2BeCont.

HOODLIFE

  I grew Up in the Hood. I must say this and make it clear. We don't grow up wanting hand outs. We are pushed to succeed. We are told anything we want, we have to work hard for. In order to secure our future we have to get a job and pay our dues. We are not taught to be worthless. We are not born with privileges and learn that everything is handed to us. At least that's how it used to be. At least this is how I was raised. Today we have young people thinking that $400 dollar phones, sneakers, jewelry, gear and thousand dollar cars are to be gifts. Young people today feel that they are Gods  gift and should be rewarded for doing nothing. That the hard work the parents do is for their personal gain. I see adults who think, my child is doing good in school, so I need to reward them with expensive gifts. They give the child permission to speak out of turn and stay involved in grown folks conversation. I rotflmao at these same people when they get no respect and no effort to prosper. They turn around and blame the system, the man, the community, the hood and the economy for the issues they brought forth. I see in a many public forum, people speak of blacks on welfare as if the numbers lie. Whites make up a higher percentage of recipient's than blacks across the board. Get the facts straight. If you want success from your child. Take a very good look in the mirror and recognize what your doing wrong and why your to blame for the lack of drive they have. The reflection of stupidity is your own. Postings like If you can afford cigarette's, beer, ect. do annoy me. Only cause your not walking in anyone else's shoes to know what they can afford and why assistance is needed. Check Yourself!  Your mad  cause you cant get a government hand out and others are. How about this. stop paying for those highly overpriced materials that have no ROI...return on investment. Stop trying to live up to what the jones's feel you should have. Stop thinking that if your lacking that big purchase your less than. Get the fuck up and out your mamas house and make your way....the best way you know how and get a life worth living. Then and only then will you be happy and know what it means to live a fulfilling life. And the example you set forth will transcend to the child as your example will speak louder than your words.

ZESTY CARDIOMEGALY

ITS BEEN A WHILE, AND SO MANY THINGS HAVE COME TO BE.

IM EXPLODING WITH A SOUL THAT HAS TO BE CONTAINED. 

A FORCE THAT HAS TO BE HINDERED. ALL MY LIFE ITS BEEN ONE GOAL AFTER ANOTHER. AS WE ALL COME TO BE, WE ARE TOLD. BE THE BEST YOU, YOU CAN BE...CAUSE YOU CAN'T BE ANYTHING MORE. I HAVE LIVED TO KNOW THIS TRUTH. I HAVE OVER COME ONE OBSTACLE AFTER ANOTHER. I HAVE CRUSHED STEREOTYPES AND ROLLED AGAINST THE GRAIN. A UNSTOPPABLE BEING IN MY MINDSET, AND CHALLENGED IN EVERY DIRECTION. I NOW BOW DOWN, I PLEAD FOR BLESSINGS.

 I EMBRACE WHAT'S TO COME AS I KNOW THE BATTLE HAS ONLY JUST BEGUN.

 ITS GOING TO TAKE MORE COURAGE THAN MOST CAN MUSTER. MORE FAITH THAN ONE MAN SHOULD BE ALLOWED. I WILL BE COUNTING PAST BLESSINGS AND DREAMING OF MANY MORE. I RECOGNIZE THOSE WHO STOOD BY MY SIDE IN THE GOOD TIMES, I RECOGNIZE THOSE WHO WALKED AWAY IN THOSE TIMES, AND THOSE WHO BROUGHT THE TIMES TO ME. CHANGE IS PART OF EVERY NEW DAY. NEW HORIZONS AWAITS. FOR EVERY BREATH I BREATH WILL BE ONE OF THANKS.

IN ONES LIFE HISTORY- bY: nYLLAMAR jOHNSON

(THE INTRODUCTION)

There is only on breath that is looked forward to. Its that of a New Born Child. This is the case for so many, but for others that breath can be the scariest moment and the most unbearable all in one. This is how I believe I came to be. A mother blanketed in fear. Told she was too young to have a seed. She was gorgeousness to the blind eye, rebellious in many ways. A pillar of strength on the surface,  but her buried weakness was about to transcend into a new born. A actual form of life about to take its first breath on the same day as her younger sisters birthday. She was not at home though. She was in the deep parts of Brooklyn New York, far away from family, friends and any source of comfort she had known. What she was hiding for so many months was now to become. No familiar face to say its going to be OK. No Family to comfort her through  pain. She was all of sixteen and truly knowing what it's like to be alone. Where she was and how she got here. Is how the tale begins for one young boy coming into a world of uncertainty. Not only for the seedling, but for the bearer as well.  (2B cont)